Recently I’ve been around a couple of dialogues involving this question, and I remember early on in my own couch work/education, asking my therapist this very thing. Having now done a great deal of my own recovery work, I thought I’d take a stab at answering it from my understanding/viewpoint. See what you think.
Abandonment. Shame. Counterdependency. Codependency. Rage. Fear. These are examples of some deep-seated, hard-core issues. I don’t particularly like these labels too much because giving someone a label can be shaming for them, or make them feel helpless to their “diagnosis.” Instead of a label, just think of these as vocabulary words. They are only words used to describe a condition to which one can be sensitive, or words which one can connect with some of the ideas/issues they represent. They are not meant to be a Scarlet Letter on your chest. I use them only to give a way of talking about things that are so very difficult to describe! Keep in mind as well that every single person alive has some sort of issue or “dysfunction.” It is not something to be ashamed of or a victim to; it is simply a reality because of the imperfect world in which we live.
Now, to the question at hand: if I can own/relate to the issues these words represent, is it possible for me to be fully cured from their effects? Let me apologize in advance for giving you an ambiguous answer: yes and no. Perhaps a better answer would be “no, but.” Let me explain, and hopefully it will help.
I don’t think a complete and total cure from the issues one develops in childhood is possible. That’s not as bad as it sounds, however, because of the “but”. The “but” is what therapy is all about, and I’m not talking about proctological therapy! (Insert giggle here.) OK, seriously. I’ll use myself as an example. I have abandonment issues. I didn’t get the amount of one-on-one attention that needy little kids require. (I personally believe that almost everyone has abandonment to some degree, simply because children are SO needy that no parent can give enough!) So will I ever be free from the effects of abandonment?
I cannot change the past and how my issues came to be, ”but” I can heal them to a degree that they don’t effect me nearly as much as they used to! I will always be sensitive to particular behaviors surrounding abandonment; “but” I have learned how to realize when my abandonment is triggered and not over-react to those triggers. Some days are better than others, and I am still susceptible to abandonment pain and reactions, “but” I have exponentially more peace, calmness, contentment, and acceptance; and I have healed a great deal of that pain through my work in therapy. The longer I live with the knowledge of my issues, the more I learn and the better I become at handling them, and they affect me less.
So although I can never be completely and totally free from my issues, I ABSOLUTELY CAN get to a place of peace and contentment about them, and vastly improve my weaknesses to them. I can tell you without a doubt that this process, although difficult, is worth every moment. It has strengthened every relationship I have, and most importantly (…and this is going to sound corny and psycho-babbly, but it’s true…) it has strengthened my relationship with myself….loving the person that lives in my head. How I feel on the inside has been positively affected like I cannot fully describe. Here’s a great analogy to close up:
- Emotional pain and issues growing up “burn” your psychological skin. If you’ve ever been burned you know that it hurts pretty much all the time until it heals. It can be numbed somewhat with medications, (addictions) but in order to not need meds in ever increasing amounts, it will need to be healed. When the burns are hidden or not properly taken care of, they cause more problems later that will have to be corrected. If these burns are treated eventually, however, they can become much better. The surgery needed may be painful (therapy, support groups etc.), but the outcome will be a better quality of life. It will take time, and the new skin will be sensitive for awhile, but eventually it will be scarred over and healed so that the slightest bump won’t hurt anymore. Scar tissue will form and the wound will be healed better than it ever was.