Pardon the play on words, but it really is the perfect title for this post! I promise by the end, you will understand why I chose it.
I was thinking this week about the “voices” we humans hear in our heads. No, this is not a schizophrenic or delusional thing I am talking about here! I am talking about the very normal, everyday thoughts that go through our heads. Have you ever noticed that you “talk” to yourself almost non-stop? What do the voices in your head say to you?
- “I look really pretty today.”
- “Wow, that was a stupid thing I just did.”
- “She is so much skinnier than I am.”
- “No one loves me.”
- “I did a really good job on that project.”
- “I am a terrible father.”
- “I forgot to pay that bill.”
- “I’m an idiot.”
Pretty much non-stop chatter in there, right? One time long ago, I had a therapist explain it to me like this…”we all have numerous ‘people’ and ‘personalities’ in our head, so to speak, it’s just a matter of which one steps up to the mic to be heard.” When it’s time to pay bills, the responsible financial analyst steps up. When in an argument, the angry teenager inside may come out to protect. When looking in the mirror, there may be more than a few choices as to who steps up to put their two-cents in.
And have you ever noticed that they don’t always agree? What if I can’t decide between breaking up with my boyfriend or trying to work it out? One part of me talks me into it, and another part of me talks me out of it. One part tells me I look great in my new jeans, and another part tells me I couldn’t look good in ANY jeans. One part of me knows that I am worthy of being loved well, and another part tells me that no one could ever love me. Catch my meaning?
So in my own recovery work, I have been thinking a lot about the voice in my head that tells me very mean, negative things. It is a very shaming voice, and this part of me absolutely excels at finding every single flaw about me, big or small. In order to name it, pay attention to it, and realize it when “she” steps up to the mic, I have given “her” a name…Frau Hitler. (I am German, and “frau” means “wife”, so it seems quite fitting.) She is just straight-up mean and nasty. I was telling a friend of mine about this idea, and she said, “when you talk about her, the picture of her that I imagine she would look like is Edna Mode from the movie, The Incredibles.” Hysterical! I assured her that the Frau is not like the cute and funny spitfire fashion designer portrayed in Edna. She is actually a shaming bully on steroids. She is the voice of damaged self-image and shame; and at times, it can seem as though she is screaming into a bullhorn!
I know this is a very common problem, in fact I think everyone has a Frau Hitler of some kind and to some degree running around in their head. Some more than others, and some folks give their particular “frau” more mic time than others. I have often wondered the best way to deal with this issue of damaged self-image and negative self-talk (shame), as a therapist-in-training. Warm and fuzzy audio tapes in the ears? Pasting affirmations to every mirror? Hypnosis? I mean seriously, what is the best way to build a positive self image?
Intuitive thinking would say “well, just start talking to yourself nicely.” Ya, like that’s super easy…right? I’ll just conjure up someone in my head who thinks I’m beautiful and lovable and the best thing since sliced bread and let HER/HIM have the mic…after all, she can take on this powerhouse that has ruled my thoughts about myself since I can remember…piece of cake. Um, no. Doesn’t work that way. Why? Because it feels like a lie. We can conjure it up, but we won’t believe it.
So instead, how about we take the back way in…the paradox, the counter-intuitive? Shut the Frau up! Commandeer her bullhorn immediately! You’ve heard the phrase, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” EXACTLY. Just do it in your own head! Let her take a nice, long vacation in Siberia, like for the rest of your life. Then, when that’s done, find out why she was created in the first place, and grieve the pain that made her. Work through it, feel it, process it, sit in it. Realize that she came from a lie: a lie you heard when you were little. Who insinuated, or straight-out TOLD you, that you were not good enough in some way? That person, or those people, became the voice of your Frau. When you stop listening to the lies and deal with the pain, the truth will begin to come into your thoughts naturally and start to heal you.
Who gets the most mic time in your head? My hope for you is that you can see the beautiful creature you are. Inside and out. To give the mic only to those parts of you that love, care for, and nurture you; and to take it away from any part that doesn’t. It may feel like doing so will give you permission to make mistakes or become arrogant, but that too is a lie. Keep hold of your conscience, let go of the shame. Learning to give this love and grace to yourself will help you see the world completely differently, create a peace in your mind that you’ve been dreaming of, and help you love others easily.
There you go. Now, affectionately and with all the love in my heart…..shut the Frau up!