This is going to be a two- or three-part blog, because I am feeling verbose on this subject! I’ve been inspired! One post just isn’t going to cut it.
I’ve mentioned before that I’m a fan of Family Systems Theory. Thankfully for me, I work with a group of pretty salty family systems therapists! They are all kind enough to mentor me, and keep me on course with the development of my craft. One of the therapists on staff has dedicated years of study to deepening his understanding and practice of this particular paradigm; I’ve spoken of him before, Jerry Wise. He has a blog too, and we were discussing a post of his about abandonment and a question he was asked about it, in the waiting room the other day. Something he said is totally turning my mind to gooey gray matter this week, as he’s been known to do before!
Remember how we were discussing the map, and seeing the whole map of our issues all at once, and how sometimes thinking counter-intuitively can help pinpoint the problem, which may be far away from what is causing the symptoms in our relationships? (See post “Family Systems, A Tiny Morsel”) That is family systems stuff through and through. Today’s topic is no different. Jerry and I were talking about abandonment, like I said, and specifically the symptom of loneliness. Fair enough, I thought. If you’re abandoned, you’re probably lonely, right? And loneliness itself isn’t the problem, it’s a symptom of a deeper issue. OK, I’m trackin…so far so good.
Then he said that if you have the symptom of loneliness, the core issue you really have, the root problem causing it on the other side of your issue map, is really an “allergy to intimacy.” Hold the phone there, Bub. If someone’s lonely, isn’t what they really want some good intimacy? How could someone who’s lonely really be allergic to intimacy? You lost me with that one. Stick with me though, I’m going to try to explain what he said as simply as possible…how I understand it. Let’s talk about it in example form, for ease in understanding’s sake. Let’s call our lonely, abandoned girl Kim.
Kim has had some relationships that have ended painfully, and more than anything she doesn’t want to have another failed pairing; but she also knows that she feels lonely for a romantic relationship. Understandable, right? It’s normal and natural to want a close personal relationship, emotionally, physically, etc. And I would interject here that simply wanting a relationship is not a problem in itself. But our girl Kim really wants a relationship because she’s experiencing the symptom of loneliness, and she needs to soothe her feeling of loneliness with another person.
Would you think that what Kim really has going on is an allergy to intimacy? Probably not. I sure as heck didn’t see that one coming, and I gave Jerry a really confused look when he said it. Huh? Here’s how he explained it to me. If Kim has the symptom of loneliness, and she is longing for another (hopefully healthy, balanced this time) person to fill the loneliness, somewhere on her map of issues she is underfunctioning in, or has an allergy to, intimacy. Is your face twisted and contorted like mine was yet? Eyes squinting? Little head scratching, perhaps? Stay with me…
Kim, out of her own issues, is still looking to someone else to fill her up. In this way she is overly-needy. In some way she is unable to find fulfillment in herself, and/or she may have an intimacy or under-closeness/over-closeness problem with her parents or siblings. If you’re tracking that train of thought, the next question that naturally comes is, “How does someone have an allergy to intimacy inside themselves? Does an intimacy problem in my family of origin, (people that I hardly ever see anymore even perhaps,) still affect me? (YES!) And what does an allergy to intimacy look like, and how does one fix it?” I admit, it’s kind of a tough sell to someone who says they crave intimacy, and especially if they may be over-functional in their level of ability to have intimacy with other people. The point is, if there is loneliness for intimacy, somewhere on the map we’ll find an intimacy allergy…a place where Kim is under-functional, intimately. Let’s take a swing at answering those questions:
Let me ask you this way, and see if it helps shed some light on it…where do you think Kim is abandoning herself? A closer look at someone like Kim will probably show that she is too other-centered. Maybe she doesn’t have good self care. Perhaps she has a hard time forgiving herself for imperfections or mistakes, and she shames herself and feels she isn’t good enough. Maybe she makes caring for everyone else more important than making sure she’s taken care of, too. When her hurting little girl on the inside cries out in pain, she in effect ”shushes” her. In any or all of these ways, she abandons herself. She’s not in-tune to her own needs, and ignores them.
So how does Kim fix this imbalance? Like 12-steppers would say…the first step is admitting you have a problem, right? True that! She needs to recognize she has an allergy somewhere. She needs to see her own unbalance, instead of concerning herself with over-scrutinizing potential mates! She needs to learn to have better boundaries. She needs to learn to give herself grace, listen to herself and take care of her own needs, and address her shame issues. These are all things that work to resolve and heal your childhood pain and make your psychological walls more permeable. Kim also needs to see where her expectations fo
r relationships are unhealthy. This is all stuff that happens in therapy!
r relationships are unhealthy. This is all stuff that happens in therapy!
Now then…how does all of this play into who she will choose as a future (hopefully) Mr. Right? Will she be attracted to another Mr. Wrong no matter what? Is there real hope to be had for a future, healthy relationship? Tune in next time for the answers to these most intriguing questions!