A couple of months ago, I went to a therapist training seminar for Imago Relationship Therapy. This is the theory proposed by Harville Hendrix in his books “Getting the Love You Want”, “Keeping the Love You Find,” “Receiving Love,” and “Giving the Love They Need”. They are good reads…I totally recommend them. I had the pleasure of hearing lectures from Dr. Hendrix himself for one of the days of the seminar. He said something that resonated with me, and I thought I’d share.
Dr. Hendrix was discussing how in the womb we are connected, to our mothers and the universe. Then that connection is severed. We are born without any psychological walls into an imperfect world. We then learn, from our first experiences in this world, to disconnect with others….that everyone is here to serve us! We cry and we’re changed, cuddled, fed, burped, or whatever. Our every need is met by someone else, and for the most part, pretty promptly! We learn to see others as objects to meet our needs. We learn to be self-centered. We learn that it’s our world, and everyone else just lives in it…to serve us! We learn to objectify people instead of connect with them.
Through adolescence, we start to take care of ourselves some, but as little as we can get away with, usually. Eventually, we may learn to take pretty good care of our physical needs. Some of us even become very other-centered in our actions; but, are we really selfless? Even being other-centered many times has selfish motives underneath: we want to be loved, accepted, looked-up to, good enough for God, etc. Many people stay quite openly self-centered throughout their lives, too. We see others as objects, there to meet our needs.
This happens in particular in our marriages. We find someone who matches the (usually worst) characteristics of our primary caregivers growing up, someone who will be specifically ill-equipped to meet our deepest needs, and then we try to squeeze blood from the proverbial turnip. Deep down, we really haven’t given up the idea that the other person’s mission in life should be to meet our needs. That’s why we get married, right? “Now we’re together, so start coughing-up the need-meeting!” We also believe that after 20-30-40-50 some years on this planet, that we have the absolute truth, and best way to live, figured out. How I see the world is the right way to see it!
Dr. Hendrix described this attitude like this, he said married couples see each other as if “You and I are one, and I’m the one!” Isn’t it the truth! After all, I know who my lover is down deep, how he/she should act, how they should meet my needs, how they feel about me, and the best way for us to live together….”WHY CAN’T HE/SHE JUST SEE THAT I’M RIGHT?!!” Come on, you’ve said that one, at least in your head, admit it. “If he would just do this for me…” “If she would just…then I would be happy, and our lives would be great.” Right? Now let me ask you this…what would happen if you were to say…”If I would just…”? Think about that one for a minute. (You are the only one you can control anyway.)
Have you ever answered a question about how your spouse thinks or feels and been dead wrong? That’s because we project what we believe onto our spouses, sure that we are right, and they look at us like we have no idea who they are. We all do it, until we learn otherwise. Being able to realize that there are TWO people in the relationship, each with different world views, and developing a healthy curiosity about our spouse’s world/reality is the first step out of fighting hell. Fighting is really about going to war over which one of your world-views is going to win out as “the way we do things in our family.” I’m the one, so we do things how I want, and we meet MY needs! Get with the program, lover! We are all still two-years-old when we act like this. If you are not collaborative with your spouse, and instead attempt to annihilate their world-view to conform to yours, you will succeed in living in fighting hell until you kill your marriage/relationship.
Being able to accept that the other person has a different world view than you do is essential, as is defending it as valid. (Yes, defend THEIR world view as valid! Try that one on for size.) You probably don’t know them as well as you think. Find out. Be curious about them. Avoid negativity like the plague. Invite them to share how they REALLY think with you. Be open. Be vulnerable. It’s not easy. Digging in our defenses will not create changes in our relationships. It will pour cement over things the way they are. It’s a paradox. Acceptance and curiosity will invite collaboration, safety, love, connection, AND changes. Sounds good, doesn’t it? It is. Give it a try.
I could go on and on about this (I already have)…but I’ll stop here for today. Try being curious next time you’re about to fight with your lover. See what their world view is all about. After they pick their jaw up’n off the ground, you will have a MUCH more productive chat! They may even be curious about your point of view. Wouldn’t that be something! Who’s going to be the one to drop their defenses and be vulnerable first? Can you say, “I’m the one?”
Thanks for stopping by. Have a great week!