How To Get Respect

Did you catch it? If you did, I’m thoroughly impressed. If you’ve been keeping up with my blog and read the one I posted entitled “Drop Your Pen” not too long ago, you might be saying to yourself “what is she talking about, ‘how to’…I thought it was all about ‘when’?” You are correct, and I don’t mean to confuse you. The answers to questions that begin with “how to” are pretty much just tools and bandaids, and are generally not meant for deep, core, emotional surgeries. The answer to this “how to” is still about the when…let me explain.

I’ve recently been having a lively discussion with this guy I know about respect. Respect is a very deep need for all men, just read books like “His Needs Her Needs” by Willard Harley or “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. (They are both really good, for men and women). The need for respect is built into them, a thread of the fabric that weaves them into the men they are. But have you ever noticed that some men want it so badly, ask for it, or even demand it incessantly, but still never quite get it, at least not in the quantities and qualities they’d like? Why is that, you reckon? It seems as though asking that your needs be met is a healthy thing to do. And it is. So what’s going on here?

If you know a guy like this, my bet would be that this fella is doing at least one, but probably both, of these two things: a) not earning it with their actions, and b) asking for/demanding it/ and talking about it way too much. Both of these things totally kill genuine, heartfelt respect. I’ll give you an example of each:

Perhaps the respect-seeker is a hard worker, but he does not treat people very nicely. Maybe he knows his job well, but doesn’t give credit where it’s due. Maybe he says he loves women, but treats them as if they exist to serve him. Maybe he lies or cheats. Maybe he doesn’t truly listen much, or love much. Maybe he rarely, if ever, considers the needs of others. Whatever it is that’s going on, if he’s hard-core about wanting respect, the fact is he’s going to have to earn it. The first step for our boy is to adopt a posture of complete humility. I’m not talking about acting like he’s a piece of crap, I’m talking about letting his actions do the talking for him, and making sure his actions are honorable. One thing I know for certain, if you do not live your life (in actions, not words) in a way that folks can respect, or if you act in a way that hurts others or fundamentally goes against the grain of what they believe, they will not be able to give you genuine respect no matter what. They have to really feel it.
Then there is talking about it way too much. This is a lesser “offense”, but it will also effectively squelch those who might give respect. People do not like to be controlled, period. Who likes to be told what to do or how to do it repeatedly? Asking for respect excessively is pretty much guaranteeing you won’t get it. See why? People want to give of their own free will, because there is no joy in giving something that is demanded of you. It’s controlling and oppressive. If they are inspired, they will give it. If it is demanded of them, probably not so much, and even if they do relent and give some kudos, they will not be genuine. They will be resentful. That’s not the kind of respect you want either…because it’s not true respect. It’s “lip service.”

So, that’s the how to, or how not to get respect. Remember we talked about the “when”? This really is key, and this is where it goes deep. What really needs to happen for our man is that he needs to take a look inside himself and see what’s really going on that needs healing. We know that a need for respect is built into the tapestry that is “man.” It’s legitimate. Men have to feel respected. But if ole boy doesn’t feel respected by others, why is that? Is it everyone else who has the problem, really? What’s broken on the inside? Is he SO needy for respect that he has to demand it from others too much? Where does that come from? If he’s not living in ways that folks can respect, where are the problem areas? And then, after the work of naming it is done, then comes the when…the healing. When will you be ready to give up the behaviors that keep others from respecting you?

This takes some skill, to name what’s going on, and then help you be ready for the “when.” That’s what therapy is for. If you’re not getting the respect you want, look in the mirror there, Big Guy. See if you’re overly needy. See if you’re asking for something you’re not earning, and why. You cannot change others, you can only change you. I’d suspect that down deep you are really insecure in yourself, and don’t particularly respect yourself, either; that’s why you want it from others so badly. The best way to get what you want is to live it yourself, and give it away generously. In other words….Love. Respect others. Take a big dose of Humility. Live in a respectable way so that you can respect yourself. It works. Give it a try, give it some time, and then let the genuine respect roll over you like a warm ocean wave.

Thanks for reading. Stop by again soon.

Nancy Sjuts