Although I admittedly have not read many of his books, I’ve come to find through hearing told some stories he has written (The Lion, The Witch, & the Wardrobe comes to mind) reading some quotes by him, and hearing his name here and there in discussions, that I probably would have liked C.S. Lewis a lot. I think he would have given me lots of things to think about, and great topics to blog about, too! Here is the latest quote I found by him that spoke to me:
“No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear.” -C.S. Lewis
Wow, I really connected with that one. If you’ve been reading my blog for awhile now, you know I’m a truth-seeker, and I found a lot of truth in this one. (First, let me jump on in and give you some background, and then I’ll tie it all up at the end.)
OK, so, going through a divorce is really a grieving process, and I’m hear to tell you, it’s not an overnight one as you’re probably aware. I am actually starting to think that deep losses where no one dies, where those you love make a choice to not love anymore, just might be even more painful than losses to death. (It’s not a competition as to what kind of loss hurts most, of course, not at all. I just wanted to put it out there as food for thought that sometimes having someone choose the loss can make it sting all the more.)
Most big losses in life are grieved for an average of 2 years. Yep. That’s the bad news. The initial difficult part of the grieving can last for a month or two; but really the whole grieving process all together takes between 1-3 years, depending on the person and the closeness/nature of the loss. Knowing that does help to understand and give grace to someone who isn’t getting over something as quickly as one might think they should…including oneself, I’ve come to learn. This average of 2 years, though, is also the good news…I find it comforting to know that when I have a huge loss, it will eventually get easier to bear, and my heart will heal.
I can remember the day my heart broke…when I realized my marriage had very little chance of survival. Although I knew I was not done trying to save it, and I still had hope that it could be saved (and with both of us working on our own issues I believe it absolutely could have been; I am totally convinced that this really is the key to saving any troubled marriage)…my heart felt like it made an almost audible sound the minute when the reality of the situation sunk in…and it just shattered. I let out a tiny wimper, and curled up like a newborn for a soft, broken cry. I can still remember vividly what that pain feels like, and I’ll likely never forget it. Now, though, my heart has had time to mend, and I am so very grateful for all I have learned. I can tell you that the entire process has taken about 2 years, and that my heart is again filled to overflowing with joy.
Here’s where the quote comes in. That day my heart broke began a season of grief and pain for me…but that grief really felt a lot like fear! A large part of an event that one needs to grieve, after all, is change. Huge change. Unexpected and as-of-yet unknown change, perhaps. Day-to-day living changes in many, if not all, areas of life: financial, emotional, physical, etc. Fear of change, of the unknown, is natural. It is also sometimes extremely hard to accept that things will never again be like they once were. It takes time to process through it, accept it, and move through that difficult season.
Grieving a divorce is grieving the death of a dream, and it is very painful. Coping with all of the changes that ensue with that kind of event is fear-inducing. Eventually though, as the changes become “the new normal”, the anxiety decreases and so does the grief. It takes a lot of strength to face it, and even more to allow yourself to feel it. It’s difficult to keep moving forward, but if you can make it through each moment as it comes, you will make it to your milestones. (I have to give it up to my girl Beth Moore for that terminology, although she used it in a different context.)