One of the therapists I work with, and who also has a blog (see link at the bottom of this page), is Jerry Wise. I call him “Yoda” because “the Jedi force” is strong with him! He has an uncanny, and sick (in a totally impressive way), skill for putting his finger right on the heart of an issue. Mad skills, I tell you. While each of the therapists here at Family Tree are totally gifted, each in their own styles and techniques, I bring up Jerry today because he has a lot of experience with family systems theory, first introduced by Murray Bowen in the late 60′s and early 70′s, and because his blog happened to inspire me today.
I have found family systems theory to be an absolutely fascinating paradigm, so much so that I actually study it and read about it in the little free time I have! It really is a different way to approach individual, marital, and family issues. I find it many times to be paradoxical to what one would normally think. Jerry would say that it can be helpful to think “counter-intuitively”, or from the other side of what seems to be a more straight-forward solution. For example, say a couple comes in reporting that they feel distant from each other, disconnected. While a straight-forward solution would say “well then let’s find a way to get you two closer to each other”, a family systems approach might say “well then, we’ve got to find out where you two are over-close!” See? It sounds backwards, doesn’t it? What’s amazing is how often it’s right on the money! That’s what is so interesting to me.
I read a book a couple of years ago called “Mating In Captivity” by Esther Perel. It seemed to me to be pretty much like 8 hours worth of sex therapy. It was really interesting, and what I found so unusual was how much I learned about myself and my issues that really had nothing to do with sex. This same concept of how over-closeness can cause distance was addressed in her book as well. She talked about how too much closeness outside the bedroom can lead to a lack of passion inside it. Counter-intuitive, see?
There can be many different reasons far away from the symptom that’s presenting itself that are really the root cause of problems in our relationships. Emotional cut-off from one’s spouse could be caused by having an unhealthy, negativity-based form of enmeshment with a parent, whether they ever see the parent anymore or not. The parent could have even passed away and the emotional processes could still be effecting the adult-child in their present day relationships. Abandonment in childhood could still be causing over-neediness or over-reactivity that can smother/damage a marriage.
Systems theory is about taking the laser focus off of one little area (symptom) of the map of your system, and zooming it out to get a glimpse of the bigger picture. Think about it this way for example, if you wanted to look at a large map, but could only view one square inch of it at any given time, how difficult would it be to find the best way to go? How much easier is it to see what’s all on the map if you can see the whole map all at the same time? Looking at the symptoms in a relationship is too narrow a view. The solution may be on the other side of the map, but it will not only be difficult or impossible to see, but also to navigate to, unless you look at if from a bigger picture type of standpoint.
I’ve come to learn that this paradigm is not something you can learn in a week-long seminar or from a textbook or two, or ten! In fact, one can learn a whole lot about it from books etc., and still not be skilled in implementation, or in seeing others’ maps with a wide angle lens enough to guide them. It takes a long time to master, and an absolutely crucial knowledge of oneself to be able to help others in this way. I’m working on it!
Even if you don’t take the time to become a family systems Yoda, each of us can take away nuggets of knowledge from it: like an understanding that our partner may not be able to be emotionally deeply connected with us, not because of something we have done or not done or because we’re bad, but because of their own past/issues/map. That creates understanding, and takes the pain and reactivity away from someone who is cutting-off from us. Or, it can show that one partner is over-reacting to the other getting home 15 minutes late not because they’re unreasonable or nuts, but because they have abandonment that they don’t understand yet. Understanding these things has tremendous power to affect massive changes in a troubled relationship. It takes away the insinuation and forthcoming pain that we take personally, or internalize, from the behaviors of others, that is not really personal or having anything to do with us at all. It also illuminates the wound itself for treatment instead of just treating the symptoms.
There’s my 2 cents for today. I’m sure I’ll blog more about family systems again sometime, although I am nothing more at this point than a young Padawan! (Jedi wannabe) It is the basis of our paradigm at Family Tree, and of great interest to me personally, so I’m sure I’ll chat about it more. If it interests you, bookmark Jerry’s blog too! Thanks for stopping by!
