Dealing With An Affair, Part 3

We’ll make this the last post of this short series about affairs. I promised you titles of some good books on the subject. There are a couple that we recommend frequently where I work. “Surviving An Affair” by Willard Harley is a good one. A newer one that is for partners of folks with sexual addiction is “Mending A Shattered Heart” by Stefanie Carnes. A couple of books for preventing affairs before they happen are “Getting the Love You Want” by Harville Hendrix and “His Needs, Her Needs” also by Willard Harley. “Should I Stay Or Should I Go” by Lee Raffel can help you find answers to whether or not you should separate, and can teach you how to do it in a respectful, calm, cooperative way.

If you would like to have what is basically some “free therapy” on the subject of affairs, my boss Mark Smith’s 45 page e-book on our website is pretty much that. You can download the .pdf file for free. It’s called “The Secret To Healing Your Marriage After An Affair.” It will give you a good base before you actually go into a therapy appointment, and will give you an idea of our paradigm and how we handle affairs etc. at Family Tree.

I hate the word “advice” but if I were going to give you something like advice about affairs, it would be this: Listen for the warning signals before they happen! They might not be words, but if you pay attention, you can see or hear the signs. Is your spouse saying things like “I wish you would touch me/have sex with me more,” or “I need you to be home more, and spend more time with me.”? They are really telling you that they are lonely and their needs for attention or physical touch are not being met. Are you refusing to sleep with your spouse until you feel better connected? Although I can understand the feelings surrounding this, cutting off sexually is a very dangerous thing to do. If you don’t feel connected, instead of cutting off, get some help, and right now! Don’t wait! There is a reason for this problem you’re having, and a skilled therapist can help you deal with it before it becomes a bigger problem (an affair.)

If you find yourself in a relationship where an affair has already happened, you need help right now. The best thing I can tell you is if you are the cheated-upon spouse, you are not a victim. A victim mentality will keep you miserable and hurt you 10x worse at least in the long run. If you are the one who had the affair, get in touch with your emotions and get some help. Both of you remember, marriage is fair, you picked exactly the right person to hurt you the way you needed to be hurt to break down your psychological walls and heal the broken places.

Thanks for stopping by for a very short look at the issue of affairs. They are complicated, but if you are open to listen, a gifted therapist can help you squeeze a tremendous amount of insight out of them and make you both more emotionally healthy because of it.

Nancy Sjuts