I was visiting after our staff meeting today with one of my collegues, Jenn Lance, and she said something that stuck with me. She said, “I can see other people in shades of gray, but most times I only see myself in black or white.” Hmm. I had to agree that oftentimes I do the exact same thing. I’m either good enough or not, acceptable or not, smart or stupid…etc. You get the drift. I know I’m not the only one…
For me, what this is really about is having a hard time giving myself some grace. I give it to others by the bucket-full, yet abandon myself and the vulnerable little girl that lives inside of me. I can see others’ flaws and accept them for how and where they are on their journey, but I’m not so easy on myself sometimes.
The other day, a client was sitting in our waiting room reading a copy of Esther Perel’s book entitled “Mating In Captivity.” This is a book I read during my own season of couch-work. I listened to it in audiobook form, and it was basically like 8 hours of sex therapy. I began visiting with the client about it, and she asked what I got out of the book. I told her that what really surprised me about this book in particular was how much I learned about myself that had little or nothing to do with sex.
In particular, one part of the book that spoke to me talked about the dimmed, darkened, hazy mirror by which we view our dark side behind us. Sometimes we ignore it completely. It’s not directly in our field of view, but it’s there, affecting us all the same. It’s been a few years since I’ve read the book so I don’t remember exactly how Esther put it, but her point was that many of us deny the existence of our dark side, and in-so-doing, become a slave to it, or live at it’s mercy whenever it rears it’s ugly head.
The black and white thinking I’m talking about is a sort of denial of our dark side. The Bible calls it our “old Adam”, or our sinful nature. We all have our faults, fears, and wounds. Ignoring the existence of this side of you yields not only black and white thinking, and “no grace for Nancy,” but also allows you to be blindsided by it, do something you feel ashamed of or guilty for, and then beat yourself up.
I’m not suggesting that we give in to our dark side, (there is such a thing as right and wrong in my opinion, even though the location of the line is highly debated from person to person), but rather have the courage to look at it, understand it, and work on it as opposed to ignoring it’s existence. The pain and fear that lurks there is the birthplace of things like reactivity, fear, and addiction. Those dark feelings grow and fester in secrecy and anonymity.
Shining the light on this place can be very scary and may seem overwhelming. Taken in small amounts, and when you’re ready, looking at it can lead to healing and giving yourself the grace that we all need to give ourselves sometimes. It also happens to be the first step of the cure for shame. A gifted therapist can help you take a peek if it all seems like too much to face alone or is too hard to see.
There’s my schpeel for today. Thanks for stopping by!